Saturday, April 23, 2011

Fondue With the In-laws??

Jill, along with her mother had a gift certificate to The Melting Pot. 

She decided we would go out to Fondue with her parents. 

No problem, I thought. I had never had fondue before, but I was pretty sure it was a double dippers        nightmare! 

The waiter asks if we want to try a cheese appetizer? Sure let's try it, right?

 I ask the waiter, "So how hot does the stove make the fondue?"  in hopes it got the cheese hot enough to kill any double dipper bacteria.

He says, "oh it's hot, we burn ourselves all the time!"

I say, " what 250, 300, 400 degrees?"

He says, "Uh, yeah, maybe 300."

I say "Thanks, you have been very helpful!" NOT!

We each start to eat, and I am probably the only one worried about the double dip scenario. I try a piece of bread dipped in what I hope is scolding hot, burn your mouth, molten cheese.

To my sadness, and great distress, it turns out only spit warm, which I know won't kill any of the possibly nasty germs taunting me in everyone elses mouth.

 I mention loudly so everyone can hear, "oh look, they do give you regular forks so we don't have to barbarically eat off of the main fork and then stick it back into the communal pot of cheese!"

 They say "it's hot enough, it will kill any germs"  I say "no it's not, it has to be 212, and it's only about 120."

Every sensible person at the table tries to ignore me, and we begin to eat.

I watch everyone on the 'down low like'.

I am some sort operative working for the table manners police, just to make sure others aren't sticking the whole fondue fork into thier mouths, possibly introducing 'special ingredient' into or communal pot of luke warm cheese, and ultimately,,,


To my disappointment, most people aren't as concerned as me about germs, and I am the only one alert to this dangerous situation.

Now on to the main course!

The waiter brings out this special container for the main broth, and kindly lets it simmer and mellow on the stove for what must have been 45 minutes.

If the main meal came any sooner,  we might not have had time to talk about how the wife and I don't get out to see her distant family enough, and how that makes us bad people.

I have the "French Quarter" dish which is so loaded with spice it looked like someone took apart a Lipton tea bag and dipped my chicken and shrimp in it, rolling it around until it had about a 16th of an inch of coating on it. Uh, Yum!

My wife has the vegetable platter, which after some hindsight, was probably the safe choice.

My food is about the saltiest, spiciest dish you can imagine.  It, along with the coffee makes my stomach feel, WONDERFUL!

The wife however later complained about how all of us meat eating barbarians kept pushing out her delicate asparagus spears with our huge portions of meat.

We finally finish the meal after a quick 2.5 to 3 hours, and my mother in law tops off the meal with the story of how when my wife was a baby, she was a finicky eater and wouldn't keep the nipple in her mouth and kept spitting it to the side, squirting breast milk everywhere around the room.

Thanks for the lovely image Ma!

Yeah, it really wasn't a bad meal.  I would do it again in a heart beat! Not!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What every guy is thinking while looking at his wifes athletic clothing catalog....

My wife gets these athletic women's clothing catalogs in the mail, and here's the thing....

While I don't do yoga, don't need athletic clothing, and wouldn't wear women's clothes, I like to read them also.

The catalogs show these strong, healthy, flexible women, in these cool yoga poses, that take great skill.

An impressive feat of athleticism, and sensual strength, in a well photographed and put together advertisement.

Impressive for sure, but the only thing I, and I bet most men can think is how we can fit into that pose, with that nice looking woman.

So, below is every guys fantasy while looking at a women's athletic clothing catalog....

Beautiful advertisement made sinister by us dullard men!

Men are such heels!

See, we have these tiny 'man' brains, that are apparently only designed to think about two things primarily...

One of those things is food...

A Sexy Gift for her that just keeps on giving....

Have you seen the pajama gram advertisements in the back of magazines?

It usually says something along the lines of, "spoil her....", and features a sexy young woman in comfortable, yet sexy pajamas.

The add seems to say, to paraphrase, "make her comfortable, and she'll bone you!"

The add is targeted toward the man I believe, and is supposed to elicit a thoughtful response of , "well, if I send her a pajama gram, she'll think it's really sweet that I thought of, and surprised her, and she'll pay me back by doing all of those things she currently refuses to do in bed..."

...and the following add in the back of Backpacker Magazine, seems it would elicit just that response from thoughtful husbands, who want to do something "special' for their wives...

Oh yeah, you know what your going to get man!

The following add misses the mark a little I think.......  

Perhaps the add should say, "remind your wife of your kids right before she gets into bed with you for the night, and the first thing in the morning, when she gets up to brush her teeth, cause she's not a woman anymore, she's a mom!"


I believe it is still targeted toward the husband with a very attractive, and full breasted woman in the add, but  I think it might have the opposite impact for the man that he thinks..

Here's a possible tip guys..

Nothing makes a woman feel more sexy, and want to do those nasty, naughty things to you in bed,  than a big shirt that says "Super Mom" right on the front!

Perhaps then, you can get her some "Mom Jeans" like in the Saturday Night Live, Faux-mercial...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

...and now it's time for our next exciting episode of IN-LAWS IN SPACE!!!!!!

We join our two active, vibrant, and wise space travelers as they come to the end of their journey to their destination.  The Intergalactic Pinochle Championships at Alpha Centauri.

Once again, let's join the action and see how our two cheery travelers are making out....

For intergalactic travel, choose Garmin GPS.  In-laws state that a good GPS cuts down on in travel arguments up to 60%, while increasing journey pleasantness, but up to 2%!

Join in later, for another exciting episode of,IN-LAWS IN SPACE!!!!!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

....and now it's time for another episode of In-Laws in space!!!!!!

We join our space travelers midway through their journey.

Let's listen in, and see how our two active, and vibrant space travelers are doing on their journey....... 

Join in next week, as our active duo finish their long voyage to Alpha Centauri,
on board the U.S.S Jonathan's Idea, with it's powerful Jitterbug Hyperdrive engine. 

Jitterbug Hyperdrive is manufactured by, and is a registered trademark of AARP

...and remember; for reliable, easy to use, easy to program faster than light spaceship engines that have large easy to read control buttons, the right choice is always Jitterbug Hyperdrive!


Scientific Analysis of Cats Meow

A friend on Facebook posted a funny video of this cat that looks like Hedonism Bot on Futurama, or maybe Jabba the Hut, on Star Wars getting "pissed" because his food bowl is empty. I listened and listened, but I could hear nothing, so I set out to use science to prove her wrong.

Man, do I have egg on my face!!!  She was right!  After analyzing the sound track, and comparing the cats meow, I can see a definite, yet slight increase in amplitude of the meow, but no discernible change in meow frequency.  I bet she is relieved to finally have the scientific data to back up what she said. Now she can sleep at night, without worrying all night long if someone is going to call her on it! You're welcome Kathy!

For completeness sake, the original video is here,

Friday, April 1, 2011

Artful Politicians.....

Here is a video of White House press secretary Jay Carney giving a press conference.  Poor little Jay does the best he can to put forth, and roll along president Obama's policies.

Jay looks good in brown I think!

Perhaps a song needs to be composed in the tune of, the ant and the rubber tree plant.   Except we will replace rubber tree plant, with "ball of dung".

<insert music>"Cause he's got highhhh hopes, he's got highhh hopes, he's got, apple pie in the sky hopes...."

(chorus sings..) "high hopes, he's got high hopes"

"just what makes that little old bug think he'll move that big ball of dung!?"

(chorus sings) "big ball of dung!!"

If you have musical talent, feel free to work on it!