Saturday, December 31, 2011

Laproscopic inguinal hernia repair(if that title doesn's say fun read, I don't know what does)

Daily log of activities at the bottom of this post...

After about 15 years of having a hernia, it became unmanageable so I decided I had to get something done about it.

I chose the very best hospital I could, and the best surgeon I could find to do it.  University of Maryland Medical Center, and Doctor Lo Menzo.

Everything leading up to the surgery was perfectly orchestrated, and confidence building.  Dr Lo Menzo is a very careful, and seemingly compassionate, and considerate surgeon.

He gives the impression of being a skilled surgeon who is not a cowboy.

I had told my friends I expected a 3 day recovery, with being able to lift weights 2 weeks after that.

I expected I could go back to work in 3 days, but that I would take a week just to make sure...

The day of my laproscopic inguinal hernia surgery, my room mate, who is a seemingly calm man, and is also in the hospital for a hernia, is heard telling his doctor that he ran a marathon a week previous to the surgery

Before he left for surgery, he said "Good luck Mark, your going to do fine!"

After he came back, he yelled through the curtain "How you doin over there Mark?"

I guess I talk more than I think, because he seemed to know all about me, and my little anxieties.

Maybe he could tell by the way I peed every 5 minutes before surgery, "just to get every last drop out before surgery", that I was a nervous person...

So everything looked good, and I blindly went into the surgery having no clue what so ever, what I was in for....

I have the surgery, and everything seems to go off with out a single hitch...

I have pain for sure, but it is not that bad.

I am told that as soon as I urinate, I am free to leave, and the race is on.

The nurses seem to say "No pressure or anything, but seriously pee and get the hell out..."

They don't really say that, but that is what I hear when I read their minds, through their facial expressions.

My roommate, the "Herniated, Marathon Runner" pees after falling asleep after surgery, and taking a short little refreshing nap.

As I hear him pee behind the curtain in our room, I am so blinded by jealousy that I just can't describe it.  I yell at him "congratulations, I am so jealous of you..", and purposely leave out the words that are in my head  SMUG BASTARD...

He good-naturedly says, "Don't worry, your next Mark!"

Somehow, we are on a first name basis.  Despite never talking to him, he seems to know me like an old friend...

5 hours later, I still haven't urinated, and if you read the above words, you know I pee, well,, Sort of often.

Finally, after about 5.5 hours, with the help of my patient wife, and some procedure the nurse cooked up, of pouring alternating warm/cold water on my genitalia, I squeeze out just enough urine for their satisfaction..

I became some sort of pee surgeon with demands for the proper instruments, and my wife became the surgical assistant.

"Warm water."

"Cold Water"


"Warm Water"

"Cold Water"


I am on my way home, but the problem is, it is an hour drive, and once I started to go, I couldn't stop for more than 10 minutes.  It is like my body was making up for lost time...

        The nurse had wisely given me a plastic bedside urinal to take in the car so we wouldn't have to pull into a  gas station every 5 minutes, but it is harder to use one of those in the car than you might think...

Especially, with your wife speeding the car up and slowing down, every 20 seconds because of the bumper to bumper traffic.

You have to lift your behind out of the bucket seat, with compromised groin muscles, so you basically won't pee yourself, and balance yourself from left to right,  and keep yourself from hitting the dash, and smashing back into the seat every time your wife hits the breaks, and then simultaneously floors it all while trying to relax, and let out a urine stream.

I seriously think to do that, you would have to have the patience, and control of a Buddhist monk.

Either that, or be like my former roommate in the hospital. I bet he could do that! 

Since that technique didn't work,  I took to giving my wife orders as to which lane to get the car in to give me a smoother ride.

I became the bridge captain of our little grey car, navigating in a sea of hostile traffic.

Only, I was shouting orders with my pants down around my knees sitting in the car seat next to her, with a urinal held to my junk.

Somehow, I don't think this scenario would work any better in the Navy on the bridge of a fighting vessel, any more than it worked for my first bridge command in the little Acura...

When that didn't work, I took to shouting at random times in the trip at my wife to pull over the car NOW!  Then limping to the side of the road, not caring who saw me, awkwardly climbing over the guard rail to pee, and thinking that I would tell the cop that pulled over to arrest me for indecent exposure that I just had hernia surgery, and couldn't help it...

After getting home, all was good.

Until 2 days later, when I chose not to follow the learned advice of my doctor... 

He said not to lift heavy objects, or move large articles, as I could strain my muscles and undo the surgery...

I just couldn't help it...

I decided to move some very large articles from inside my body to a different location..

Although I felt it was necessary, I couldn't help but use my imagination, and think of all that hard work by that surgeon being undone, in 10 minutes on the toilet.

I could visualize the seams of my muscle moving apart, and all of those carefully placed fasteners giving way, like I am sure the rivets and seams on the Titanic did, shortly before it went down.

Later, after spending hours typing into Google "bowel movement after hernia surgery" and "constipation after hernia surgery" and "wrecking hernia surgery, after bearing down to poop",  I have found that I am not alone in the world, and I should be okay..

It is now four days out, and I really am not sure I am going to work this week, but we'll see...

3 days of discomfort my ass!

Daily log day 6 after surgery day.

I feel wonderful!

Just kidding, it still burns quite a bit in the area where I had my surgery, but of course "the burn means it's working.."

On the second day out, 3rd day after surgery I was taking some single doses of percocets, and tylenol.

I took a 20 minute walk around the neighborhood, and while I was limping a little bit, I was fine other wise.

On day 4, our friends came over, and we played Monopoly for about 4 hours.

I won, so it was good times....

On days 4 and 5, I was sore from my activities, but on day 4, I tried to see how long I could go without taking pain meds, and by the time I woke up REALLY sore, I had gone 16 hours with no pain meds at all, so I took a percocet....

The Percocet really took the edge off, if you know what I mean?

Later that night we went over friends to play cards, and I spent most of the night laughing, and holding my groin at the same time.

Today, day 6, I have taken Tylenol every 4 hours, and we went for another 20 minute walk.

Lifting anything at all as heavy as, or heavier than 5 lbs causes pain.

I can go up and down stairs fine, and motivate around the house no problems.  I do have a constant burning pain, but it is manageable. 

This isn't as advertised, and not what I was expecting, but It is maneagable.

I had the laproscopic procedure, and I thought I would be back to normal by now, as it is supposed to be a super short return to normal activity.

I am just wondering why I still feel pain?  I am wondering if I did something wrong, or just am being unreasonable in my expectations, because of what I was told.

Perhaps a more reasonable explanation of what to expect would be helpful...

Perhaps I am just wimp?

Day 7: I take a couple of Tylenol in the morning and go for a walk.  Later, I decide to make my maiden voyage in the car, and drive to Wendy's for a bite to eat.  Later that day, I go to the hardware store.  Later that day, I go down into the basement, and catch myself running up the stairs, and stop myself after a few steps.

Day 8: I take 2 Tylenol and go for a walk.  Later, I drive to the mall to look for a book to the sequel I am reading,  and then to Chic-Fil-A for a lunch.  I feel fine. Later that night I run the full flight of basements steps, and then later realize I shouldn't have done that.

Day 9:  I get up, and am fine, but a little sore.  I contemplate whether or not I need to take my morning Tylenol. In the end, I give in as I am pretty sore while I am cooking breakfast.

Today, I took the longest walk I have since going in for surgery.  It was 30 to 45 minutes of walking through the woods.  Not a big deal unless you have just had surgery on your groin and then walking in the woods, versus on pavement is quite an improvement.  It takes a lot more to walk on a trail in the woods, stepping over rocks, fallen tree branches, and through the mud.  I feel fine.

Based on my experience of today in the woods, I feel confident that within a few weeks, I will be able to don my 40 pound back pack and go for a hike within a few weeks.  Yay, that is exactly why I had the surgery in the first place!

Let's hope things keep progressing!  Since day 6, things have been getting better at an increasingly fast pace.

Today, I also went to Barnes and Noble's and did some very light grocery shopping.

Day 10:  Today I took a little shorter walk than yesterday.

Last night, for the first time post surgery, I didn't need to take Tylenol before going to bed.

This morning, I was sore but I have a pain in a different area of my stomach.  It is higher and to the left.  If I had to describe the area, it might be my left Oblique area.  I took Advil this morning instead of Tylenol, and the Oblique are pain went away, but the groin soreness was still there.  I think Tylenol works better.

The thing with the side pain is, I don't know if it is in fact Oblique muscle pain or something else.  It isn't bad, it is just that any time after surgery, you always wonder if something else internally is going haywire, from having your insides diddled with...

People can get intestinal adhesion and all sorts of things.  I don't have an adhesion, but the pain makes me wonder. 

It is probably just muscle pain, I will keep a hot pad on it, and if that helps,  that will let me know it is likely a muscle pain.

In general, since about day 6, I have seemed to have been healing rather quickly.  I think the walking definitely helps with that!

Day 11:  No pain pill of any kind taken today.   Went for a moderate walk. The worst pain was actually in my oblique muscle.  I did in fact find out it was just muscle pain, as I could reproduce it by bending over and lifting my left foot.  This also told me how I managed to strain this muscle.  I have been lifting up my left foot every time I sneezed to keep from putting strain on my abdomen.  

Day 12:  Went for a short walk. No pain meds today, but I over did it with some exercising I did with my wife , and was pretty sore all day over my hernia site.

Day 13: No pain meds, and back to work.  I walk, stand, and use my hands a lot at work, and this was the most activity I did for 2 weeks.  I was quite sore. 

For all of you fellow hernia surgery patrons out there whether it be future or current, here's a tip.  Keep your body working like an assembly line, not a storage tank.  For me, it was 1.5 cups of pistachios, and 1 cup of pumpkin seeds a day.  I love pistachios, and pumpkin seeds.  For you, you may want to try prune juice... 

Day 14:  I am pretty sore today.  I had some groin pain nagging at me today, so I broke down, and took 2 Tylenol at lunch today, and left after about 5.5 hours.  Yesterday, I did 4.5 hours. 

Day 15:  I felt much better on day 15, and stayed later at work.  I took no pain meds this day. 

Day 16:  No pain meds, and only mild pain. 

Day 17:  Felt great!  Took a walk, ran up stairs,  and took no pain meds.

Day 18:  Exercised with the wife,  took a walk, and lifted some 10-12 pound items with no issues.

Day 19: Exercised with the wife, have a little slight pinching. 

Day 20:  Went for an actual hike today, without a back pack.  Over rocky terrain, and over logs and such.  I do have a little pain.  Well see how I things go tomorrow at my follow up appointment.

Day 21:  Went to see the doctor for my 3 week follow-up.  He said what I am going through is not uncommon, and said I should wait one more week, before I start lifting more than 20 lbs. Going to the doctors office, I ran up 4 flights of stairs, and down 8 when I left.  I feel okay.

Unless I have any major problems, this ends this log.  Thank you for staying tuned, good luck!!! 

Update 3/25/2012

It is now about 3 months since I had this done, and I can tell you, I am not only much better than before surgery, but feel better than years before my Hernia became acute.  So it was all well worth it. 

Mark :)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Goodbye to one of the sweetest, most gentle animals I have ever known

I had my boy Jacques for 1 months shy of 13 years.

He just died this morning at 6:51am, and I wanted to tell you a little about him, because he died in a way that was consistent with how he lived his life.  In the most gentle way imaginable, kindly sparring me the extreme anguish of having to put him to sleep.

I write this not for sympathy, but just to share how gentle my dog was, and how he gently spared me the suffering of having to put him to sleep. To share how kind, sensitive, and caring he was, and what an extraordinary soul he truly was.

I have had many dogs, and each and every one, we had to put to sleep, and I would have to be with them to help them to go.

Watching my beloved animals slowly take its last breath is one of the most painful experiences of my life.

I have never been more attached to a dog, than I was my big Doberman, which was the most gentle, sensitive, and affectionate animal I bet you would have ever met.

He was a leaner.  He would lean his head against you appreciatively, when getting him ready to go for a walk, or after giving him his food, when you came home.  Or just to say hi.

He would also tap you with his nose to say hi, just like someone tapping you on the shoulder to say "hey"

He was bonded to me and a way that I have never before seen, and I was bonded to him just as strongly.

After living almost 13 years in the most well mannered, gentle, yet dignified way, he died within 2 minutes on his 4" thick mat, in a very quiet gentle way, that spared me the extreme pain of having to make the decision to put him to sleep, and watch him take his last breaths.

He inspired fear, as he was a large, lean and muscular doberman, and probably a superior genetic specimen as Doberman's go because of his larger than normal size, and that he lived to 13.

No offense intended, and not to say a superior pet than yours(although certainly for me),  Just genetically superior for the breed. All Dobermans are awesome. Whether they live to be 5 or 16, or whatever.

In fact, all pets are unique, and incredible. Whether they be mutts, cats, whatever.

When we went for one of his two long walks a day, he would trot, most of the time with his head held high, even though for the last year or two, he had spinal issues, and nerve issues in his hind legs.

Everyone would ask me how old he was, and then say "wow! 13, really?"

He was a gentle being of nobility and dignity right up to the end when he died on his bed in a quiet, gentle, manor.

I will really miss him, but I am SO glad that that is the way he died, and I will mourn the loss of such a great, and unique friend.

I really could have never asked for a better friend.

Thank you, Jacques, and thank you for being so kind to me!

Jaques and Jill

Jacques and his old nemesis.. He also had a fondness for watching the squirrels

Jill hiding Jacques inseparable stuffed "porcupine" toy playing with him

He looks fierce, but he is just playing tough...
Him being his noble, old self...
Me and my boy spending some quality time together.
Me and my boy doing a photo shoot.  He hated getting his picture taken!  He was most un-photogenic..
The beginnings of a long,  rewarding and very deep friendship. Even as he got big he wouldn't be above trying to sit on my lap..

Goodbye my dear old friend.  You were truly one of a kind..
In memory of Jacques November 30th, 1998 to October 24th 2011
Mark :)

P.S I own the copyright of these pictures, and they are mine.  Please don't cheapen my dogs life by taking them and using them for your own purposes.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Headline :Wife sues husband over distress of releasing an egg from fallopian tube

Apparently, according to my wife, I am not being sensitive enough to her plight of releasing an egg midway through the month.

First, she said it took a lot of energy to make the egg, and release it, and then I reminded her that the eggs were already ready made ahead of time, and her only responsibility was to  release them in a timely fashion.

All she has to do for her part is just, I don't know, let them come out...

She then reminded me, that my prostate just lays around like a lazy bastard all day, and that takes no toll what so ever on me as a person...

I mean, how could I be so damned insensitive?

I let her go out in the yard, and do yard work after all!

What a bastard!

Now in case, you guys didn't know, my wife has a super powerful imagination, and she can feel that precious egg along the entire journey!

Through all the miles of feminine interstate, to the final destination....

One segment of conversation went like this,

Jill "I think I'll make a roast later for dinner"

Mark "cool, that sounds great thank you!"

Later on Mark says "I am not rushing you, and I don't mean to be a jerk, but I was just wondering when you thought you might possibly make that roast you were talking about, because I am hungry and I just want to know if I should eat something now?"

Jill "oh, when am I going to get up, and slave in the kitchen for 3 hours, to feed you diner?"  "I am releasing and egg after all!"

As a matter of fact, while I was writing this blog, I heard her say the words egg, and fallopian tube like 3 times.

Just kidding hon!  You're a real trooper! I do realize how much more efficient my body is at regulating it's functions, and I know you're cursed with an old antiquated model, which can cause some issues..

Damn! That must really hurt on the way down!!

Men have the upgraded, newer model genitalia that is much more trouble free, but leads to a care free life, and in general....laziness!


To everyone else, Jill really is the best wife ever, I am just having fun with her!

Seriously hon, that must suck, and thank you for putting up with that annoying pain every month!  Without you women, we wouldn't have a society, and without you, I would be lost!

I love you, sweet heart! 

Your Cuttle Bunny.. :)
P.S everyone, that roast was awesome!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Promoting communism one idiot at a time, via RedStar Worldwear?

In reading my Backpacker magazine, I came accross a "gift card" for 500 dollars worth of "free" stuff.

I looked at the merchandise, because who can pass up all that free stuff right?

However, in looking at the styles of sunglasses, I found them all disturbing for some reason that I couldn't put my finger on...

After some thought, I figured out it was the bold red  star symbol on each and every pair of sunglasses.

You see kids, nothing symbolism communism in today's era better than a big, bold red star.

Don't believe me?  Look at the flags of China, North Korea, and Vietnam...

I thought, what is this, a method of propaganda to spread communism by giving away free merchandise with the communist red star emblazoned upon it?

"We'll just put the communist symbol out there, and make it a fashion statement, and all the idiots will gobble it up!" They will get used to seeing the Red Star, and subliminally, they will become accustomed to, and comfortable with wearing the symbol of communism of the 21st century....

I mean why not, right?  We already support all those countries by instead of making things ourselves, we pump lots of money into communist regimes by buying their cheap crap....

So let's all just forget about all the human rights violations that are known to take place in China, and very strongly suspected in North Korea.....

Let's forget about all the pollution that China puts into the air.  So much so, that they had to shut down industry for 2 weeks before the Olympics to make the air worthy to breath, and seemed to fail at that.

So go ahead and get your free crap that says hey "I'm an idiot that thinks communism is harmless!"

F-you! Communism, and screw you, "Red Star Worldwear"!

...and yes, I am totally serious!  It is weird!

The real problem is that the people that are going to snatch this up, are the young teens, and young adults that didn't grow up during the cold war era, and really don't know what communism means.

They may be even too dim to realize that the flags of the countries named above have the red star as the unifying symbol of Asian communism...

The idiots wearing this stuff may in fact have no idea of what the communist flag of China,  and North Korea even look like...

 Whether your suppressing free speech or free thought by controlling which internet pages your countrymen can see,  invading Tibet to bring that population into line with what is good for the "people", or launching mortar shells across the border to your neighbors for invading your NEW BORDERS, you will look great in these fashionable sunglasses, made by sweat shop workers in some of your favorite suppressive destinations!    Wear these, and you will FINALLY get the respect, and fear you so desire!!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Join our two active senior space travelers as they have to make a critical decision..


Our two active, vibrant space travelers get briefly stuck at the stop sign to the intergalactic Lightway...

Will they prevail?

Will the other space ships try to impatiently go around them?

We'll stop back later, to see how this all turned out...

Friday, May 6, 2011

Ah, Springtime! A sexual frenzy, that makes me sick!!

Once again springtime is upon us!  Everything is coming back to life, and turning green, and oh so colorful!

Gods beauty has touched Maryland once again!!

Along with all these beautiful signs of healthy life though, comes my complete misery...

It is springtime, and every creature has an urge to mate.

All those beautiful colored plants are no exception. They may look pretty, but they are sexual freaks, looking to get it on with any other plant they can!

They are natures nymphomaniacs!

There is a sexual frenzy of an orgy going on right out side of your house at this very moment, and you may not know it!

However, I certainly do.  I can't forget it.  The symptoms are there when I go to bed at night, and they are there when I wake up.

Even my wife is starting to become "in tune" with all of that sexual energy.

All though you can't hear any strange noises, it is there.

Natures spooge is in places for you plain to see, like for example, the windshield of your car.

We call it pollen, but it is really plant spooge!

Frankly, I don't appreciate those damn plants putting their spooge all over my car.  How rude!

It gets up my nose, in my lungs, in my ears. Everywhere!!


A huge sexual frenzy going on behind my house

You can see how virile this tree is.  Every time I pass by, it rudely puts it's spooge on me!

Just look at this beautiful, wholesome female.  You would never think that she is actually a sexual freak!

Another blatant orgy going on right there for everyone to see!  We try not to look, but we can't help but notice the result!

I try to get away from all of that rampant sexual activity, but it is happening right in my own yard!!

Again, this little beauty looks so innocent, but looks can be deceiving.  The girl next door looks wholesome, but she has a ravenous appetite for sex!

Here are two more cuties innocently laying around, putting out the call for some hard core pornographic mating!

This Lilac bush, wears a very pretty smelling perfume to lure unsuspecting suitors to it.

Although these plants are far more subtle about it, it still goes on, righ under this tree, and I still feel the results all spring.

The result of all this in your face sexual activity makes me feel sick, tired, a little nauseous, a little dizzy, and makes my face hurt!

It disgusts me, so I go inside, and close the house up tight, in an effort to get away from the allergens.......

Only to be assaulted this time not by sex, but just plain old dog dander and stink! 

After trying to get away from all of that pollen, my beloved, reeking doberman, I lovingly call "Mork" from Mork and Mindy, meets me at the door.  "Hey buddy, where you been? Come on over here and give me some attention, I haven't been petted in like 5 minutes, and I am feeling needy!"

Ahhhh, I can't get away from it!

I'll be back in the fall to post, when the Ragweed starts getting it on!

Ragweed is just a freak.  A deviant that isn't even pretty!  Its blatant sexuality, with no regard for modesty is just too much to bare in the fall! 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Happy July 4th, "Independence" day!

The July 4th holiday will be upon us very soon, so to help me celebrate, I was sent a decent sized catalog from Phantom Fireworks with all sorts of cool fireworks in it.  I am not talking about sparklers and crap.  I am talking about big ass rockets, and re loadable mortars and stuff.  The kind that carnivals and stuff use.  COOL!

Until I noticed that written upon each firework proudly, it said "Made In China"

Does anyone else think it is ironic that the fireworks we use to proudly celebrate "independence" day are made in China!?!?

The country that basically, owns us.  

Just like EVERYTHING else in our lives.....

Do you think it is time for us Americans to finally get our collective heads out of our asses?

This year, please do things the American Way!!  

Drive over the state border to buy your illegal fireworks from a company that makes them in good ole Mexico!!!

Just kidding about the illegal part!  

Where were you, when we became China's bitch?

Mark :) 

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Fondue With the In-laws??

Jill, along with her mother had a gift certificate to The Melting Pot. 

She decided we would go out to Fondue with her parents. 

No problem, I thought. I had never had fondue before, but I was pretty sure it was a double dippers        nightmare! 

The waiter asks if we want to try a cheese appetizer? Sure let's try it, right?

 I ask the waiter, "So how hot does the stove make the fondue?"  in hopes it got the cheese hot enough to kill any double dipper bacteria.

He says, "oh it's hot, we burn ourselves all the time!"

I say, " what 250, 300, 400 degrees?"

He says, "Uh, yeah, maybe 300."

I say "Thanks, you have been very helpful!" NOT!

We each start to eat, and I am probably the only one worried about the double dip scenario. I try a piece of bread dipped in what I hope is scolding hot, burn your mouth, molten cheese.

To my sadness, and great distress, it turns out only spit warm, which I know won't kill any of the possibly nasty germs taunting me in everyone elses mouth.

 I mention loudly so everyone can hear, "oh look, they do give you regular forks so we don't have to barbarically eat off of the main fork and then stick it back into the communal pot of cheese!"

 They say "it's hot enough, it will kill any germs"  I say "no it's not, it has to be 212, and it's only about 120."

Every sensible person at the table tries to ignore me, and we begin to eat.

I watch everyone on the 'down low like'.

I am some sort operative working for the table manners police, just to make sure others aren't sticking the whole fondue fork into thier mouths, possibly introducing 'special ingredient' into or communal pot of luke warm cheese, and ultimately,,,


To my disappointment, most people aren't as concerned as me about germs, and I am the only one alert to this dangerous situation.

Now on to the main course!

The waiter brings out this special container for the main broth, and kindly lets it simmer and mellow on the stove for what must have been 45 minutes.

If the main meal came any sooner,  we might not have had time to talk about how the wife and I don't get out to see her distant family enough, and how that makes us bad people.

I have the "French Quarter" dish which is so loaded with spice it looked like someone took apart a Lipton tea bag and dipped my chicken and shrimp in it, rolling it around until it had about a 16th of an inch of coating on it. Uh, Yum!

My wife has the vegetable platter, which after some hindsight, was probably the safe choice.

My food is about the saltiest, spiciest dish you can imagine.  It, along with the coffee makes my stomach feel, WONDERFUL!

The wife however later complained about how all of us meat eating barbarians kept pushing out her delicate asparagus spears with our huge portions of meat.

We finally finish the meal after a quick 2.5 to 3 hours, and my mother in law tops off the meal with the story of how when my wife was a baby, she was a finicky eater and wouldn't keep the nipple in her mouth and kept spitting it to the side, squirting breast milk everywhere around the room.

Thanks for the lovely image Ma!

Yeah, it really wasn't a bad meal.  I would do it again in a heart beat! Not!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What every guy is thinking while looking at his wifes athletic clothing catalog....

My wife gets these athletic women's clothing catalogs in the mail, and here's the thing....

While I don't do yoga, don't need athletic clothing, and wouldn't wear women's clothes, I like to read them also.

The catalogs show these strong, healthy, flexible women, in these cool yoga poses, that take great skill.

An impressive feat of athleticism, and sensual strength, in a well photographed and put together advertisement.

Impressive for sure, but the only thing I, and I bet most men can think is how we can fit into that pose, with that nice looking woman.

So, below is every guys fantasy while looking at a women's athletic clothing catalog....

Beautiful advertisement made sinister by us dullard men!

Men are such heels!

See, we have these tiny 'man' brains, that are apparently only designed to think about two things primarily...

One of those things is food...

A Sexy Gift for her that just keeps on giving....

Have you seen the pajama gram advertisements in the back of magazines?

It usually says something along the lines of, "spoil her....", and features a sexy young woman in comfortable, yet sexy pajamas.

The add seems to say, to paraphrase, "make her comfortable, and she'll bone you!"

The add is targeted toward the man I believe, and is supposed to elicit a thoughtful response of , "well, if I send her a pajama gram, she'll think it's really sweet that I thought of, and surprised her, and she'll pay me back by doing all of those things she currently refuses to do in bed..."

...and the following add in the back of Backpacker Magazine, seems it would elicit just that response from thoughtful husbands, who want to do something "special' for their wives...

Oh yeah, you know what your going to get man!

The following add misses the mark a little I think.......  

Perhaps the add should say, "remind your wife of your kids right before she gets into bed with you for the night, and the first thing in the morning, when she gets up to brush her teeth, cause she's not a woman anymore, she's a mom!"


I believe it is still targeted toward the husband with a very attractive, and full breasted woman in the add, but  I think it might have the opposite impact for the man that he thinks..

Here's a possible tip guys..

Nothing makes a woman feel more sexy, and want to do those nasty, naughty things to you in bed,  than a big shirt that says "Super Mom" right on the front!

Perhaps then, you can get her some "Mom Jeans" like in the Saturday Night Live, Faux-mercial...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

...and now it's time for our next exciting episode of IN-LAWS IN SPACE!!!!!!

We join our two active, vibrant, and wise space travelers as they come to the end of their journey to their destination.  The Intergalactic Pinochle Championships at Alpha Centauri.

Once again, let's join the action and see how our two cheery travelers are making out....

For intergalactic travel, choose Garmin GPS.  In-laws state that a good GPS cuts down on in travel arguments up to 60%, while increasing journey pleasantness, but up to 2%!

Join in later, for another exciting episode of,IN-LAWS IN SPACE!!!!!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

....and now it's time for another episode of In-Laws in space!!!!!!

We join our space travelers midway through their journey.

Let's listen in, and see how our two active, and vibrant space travelers are doing on their journey....... 

Join in next week, as our active duo finish their long voyage to Alpha Centauri,
on board the U.S.S Jonathan's Idea, with it's powerful Jitterbug Hyperdrive engine. 

Jitterbug Hyperdrive is manufactured by, and is a registered trademark of AARP

...and remember; for reliable, easy to use, easy to program faster than light spaceship engines that have large easy to read control buttons, the right choice is always Jitterbug Hyperdrive!


Scientific Analysis of Cats Meow

A friend on Facebook posted a funny video of this cat that looks like Hedonism Bot on Futurama, or maybe Jabba the Hut, on Star Wars getting "pissed" because his food bowl is empty. I listened and listened, but I could hear nothing, so I set out to use science to prove her wrong.

Man, do I have egg on my face!!!  She was right!  After analyzing the sound track, and comparing the cats meow, I can see a definite, yet slight increase in amplitude of the meow, but no discernible change in meow frequency.  I bet she is relieved to finally have the scientific data to back up what she said. Now she can sleep at night, without worrying all night long if someone is going to call her on it! You're welcome Kathy!

For completeness sake, the original video is here,

Friday, April 1, 2011

Artful Politicians.....

Here is a video of White House press secretary Jay Carney giving a press conference.  Poor little Jay does the best he can to put forth, and roll along president Obama's policies.

Jay looks good in brown I think!

Perhaps a song needs to be composed in the tune of, the ant and the rubber tree plant.   Except we will replace rubber tree plant, with "ball of dung".

<insert music>"Cause he's got highhhh hopes, he's got highhh hopes, he's got, apple pie in the sky hopes...."

(chorus sings..) "high hopes, he's got high hopes"

"just what makes that little old bug think he'll move that big ball of dung!?"

(chorus sings) "big ball of dung!!"

If you have musical talent, feel free to work on it!

Friday, March 25, 2011

The "Relaxing" ride to the airport.....

Jill and I are going on vacation, and her parents convince her into agreeing that it would be a lot smarter for us to drive the hour over to their house, drop off the car, and they would take us to the airport....

That way my parents in-law, and Jill wisely reason, that it will be less stress, and we won't have to pay for parking for the week!

I finally relent, and agree.  Reluctantly, on the basis that one, I would rather be in control of getting myself to the airport, and two, they are in their 60s at the time, after all....

I submit, on the basis that sometimes it is easier to go along,to get along...

This is a fact that anyone that is married, or in a long term relationship understands...

My father in-laws chooses not to take the new car with the large trunk, but the older car, because he doesn't wish to put any "unnecessary mileage" on his brand new car to take us to the airport.

Things aren't going so well already for me.  I make a snide remark that all of our luggage for the week won't fit in that little trunk.

My father in-law calmly puts all of our luggage neatly in the trunk, and we are on our way.  He graciously refrains from what I would have said, which is, "I told you so!"

We are on our way, but, oh crap, he forgot to get gas, and he doesn't know if we will make it.

I am already a little unnerved as we had to waste the extra time driving all the way over to their house on our way to the airport, and we are trying to be there 3 hours before our flight, but I don't say anything.

We can't just go to any gas station though.... We need to go get gas at his gas station, which is BJ's Wholesale club, where we will save an impressive, .5 cents per gallon on gas.

I am getting a little frantic that we will miss getting through security at the airport, but I kind of mumble something and then relent.

We get to the gas station at BJ's and it is PACKED!

After a few minutes I realize why it is so busy. All the pumps are down for some odd reason, and there isn't anybody around to fix them.

I say "shouldn't we go somewhere else to get gas?"  It doesn't look like anyone will be out to fix them.." we just sit there, and wait for someone else to fix them, and wait, and wait.

My father in law says nothing, I mumble a reminder that we need to be there 3 hours early, and I don't want to get there late and miss our flight to Florida...

5 minutes goes by, and we are still sitting there waiting.  10 minutes goes by and we are still sitting there waiting.  15 minutes goes by and we are still sitting there waiting.  I get more and more frantic, and irritated...

My father in-law doesn't seem fazed by my anxiety.....

Finally, I think maybe 25 minutes later, we get gas at Bj's and we are on our way!!!

We are driving down the highway, and a huge semi tractor trailer is rushing up beside us, and my mother in-law is is working her imaginary brake pedal, and tensing up, and saying "Joe!? Joe!? Which lane are you in?"

My father in-law calmly says "Oh, I'm trying both.." ...and he really is!  The semi is rushing up beside us, and he is directly over the lane divider,  taking up both lanes.  I am scared frantic!  My mother in-law is scared frantic, Jill is scared, but doesn't say anything, and my father in-law is as calm as can be.

A second later, and a microsecond before the semi smashes into us, he calmly pics whichever lane he intended, and we continue on.

Happily on our merry way....

Although my father in law stays calm about his driving, he really doesn't like my mother in-law telling him how to drive, and tells her so....

My mother in-law snaps back, that he needs her to point out things, and if she didn't, they would get into an accident....

My mother in-law sets out to prove her point, by telling multiple stories about them driving places, and different scenarios where here constant tips, really helped out...

My mother in-law extolling the benefits of her co-piloting skills....

My father in-law is getting angry, I think his attention to his driving might be slipping, and I start to give Jill meaningful looks that say, "what the hell did we get ourselves into?!".

We finally get to the airport thanks to my liberal use of the force to guide the car down the road to our destination safely.

I made full use of my mental powers, and through my use of my powerful, mental brake pedal, and steering wheel, we made it!

We get to the airport ready to go through all of the trials of the airport, with what you can imagine are relaxed minds and bodies....

Thanks mom and dad for the kind ride, but I think we will drive ourselves from now on, thank you....

This post has been inspected by my in-laws, and approved, so I took the liberty of making up this seal, and adding it.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Bob the Blender, a budding bromance.

My wife tells me my mother in-law decided she wanted to buy us a blender for our kitchen.  I say "uh, okay", without giving it a second thought.....

Maybe you can't tell from the picture, but this thing is huge!

I become so impressed with my new big, powerful kitchen appliance that I decide to take a bold picture with it, but the best I can hope for, is a look of constipation...


Grrrrr, Baby, grrrrrr

Over time though, I develop a fondness for my new appliance........

My other friends all seem to have things to do, so Bob and I play a  game of go fish!

I am all, "hey little buddy!", and he is like "Uh back the Fxxx off dude!

I come home one day, and Bob is obviously anxiously awaiting my return...


I decide that he has probably really missed me, so I decide he probably wants to talk with me, after his lonely day...

Oh my! I think we both might have that!

Seriously, I know someone that has that....

We both had a big laugh, or at least I did....
Now that I remember, I think I was the only one laughing...

I come out of the bathroom, and Bob is no where to be found.  I realize after a few minutes that he must want to play a fun game of hide and go seek.  

So, I set out to find him...

Ready or not, here I come!!!!

After I find him, he tells me it is my turn to hide, so he can find me....

He'll never find me!

....and he never did....